Why ‘The Martian’ Sucked (for at least 82 min)

First and foremost, as the title suggest, I have not seen the entirety of this film. I made nearly an hour and a half before I turned it off and walked away in obvious disgust. That hasn’t happened to me in forever. I’ve watched Cowboys and Aliens until the end. I’ve made it through The Pest once. Shit, I even love Bubba Ho-Tep (go see it immediately). I would not consider myself a movie snob.

Until I saw The Martian.

I know many liked the movie. I know it was up for awards (that are paid for) and its got good reviews across multiple review sites. I get that and I vehemently disagree. If you liked the movie I’d stop reading now. Its only going to make you mad. Like being pro-choice and reading a dissenting opinion from Clarence Thomas. I’m not going to change your mind, you aren’t going to change mine so we might as well ignore each other. I’ll catch you another time.

No, this post is for those who hated it but don’t want to be the one to ruin the party. A lot of people have hyped this movie since its release. I know a lot of us who truly despised this movie were polite and kept quiet while opinions we are diametrically opposed washed into our ears and lay our minds under a siege of frustration contained forcefully by societal norms. Because if there is one thing the internet has taught us its that people HATE people who hate what they like and movies are some of the things most near and dear to people’s hearts.

Well I’m hear to save you, silent minority. I’m giving you an outlet. I’m jumping on the grenade of being that over the top, nitpicking, too serious, angry, ranting, person who will rip into this movie with the fervor usually saved for medieval battlefields. Because I know you are out there. Those who hated this movie. Who despised the characters and the dialogue and the plot. Who were so distracted by the flaws in the movie and its presupposed adherence to scientific reality while ignoring human reality. Who were distracted by the JJ Watt of astronauts, Mark Watney, acting like a total twat the entire movie (82 minutes at least).

I don’t do this because I want to. I need to. I do this because this is the internet hill I’ve chosen to die on so you, hater, don’t have to. I’ve done it to seek allies in the vast cyberspace. A beacon to rally behind. A bastion of bashing. A safe space for hate.

I know, I know. I’m a hero.

So if you hated this movie read on and let the sermon of slander be as music to your ears and a reprieve from the buzz for I am preaching to the choir.

Tinfoil Time: Viral End Zone Celebrations

     

     Hope everyone has their anti-government mind control sugar pills handy because we are about to take a trip to conspiracy town on a subject that has impacted the United States from sea to shining sea. More specifically, from football fields in Foxboro to Seattle. Ladies and gentlemen of course you know of what I speak of; the viral end zone dance.

Now, I know what you are thinking. There are so many big issues in the world today, do we really need to talk about a conspiracy dealing with end zone dance celebrations? YES. Because Football is awesome and consumes nearly 6 months worth of Mondays,  MACtion Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays while generating billions of dollars in ticket sales, merchandise, and cable packages. Hell, its shaping actual laws a la daily fantasy sports which, let’s face it, is pretty much driven by football because scoring is awesome and no one wants to count on an assist from a 4th line center to win money (oooo shots fired NHL! SHOTS FIRED). So sit back, strap on that tinfoil helmet and get ready to take a trip down the dabbing nae nae running off the plug rabbit hole.